POLITICAL CORRECTNESS INFECTS TAMA

If there's one thing I hate, it's the "dumbing down" of a society by way of political correctness.  This plague metastasizes due to "litigation-happy" lawyers and power-hungry politicians who think it is their duty to control every aspect of our lives.  From completely-obvious instructions on shampoo bottles to labels that say, "Do Not Eat This" on moisture-absorption packets included in packing boxes containing furniture or electronic equipment, these smarty-pants elites assume we are all incompetent idiots that couldn't figure out how to use simple hair care products on our own, and go rummaging through the cardboard box our CD player came in looking for a snack.  The result of all this nonsense is the true morons who think it is a perfectly good idea to use a hair dryer in the shower or stick a fork into the toaster don't get weeded out like they used to, and become a money-making scheme for their surviving family members.  Now corporations spend more time covering their proverbial buttocks from frivolous lawsuits than they do actually conceiving cool new ideas for products.

I mean seriously, if you are dumb enough to engage in lawn dart wars in your backyard, don't complain to a judge that you never realized you might get hurt.  Case dismissed due to rampant imbecility.

Due to the way common sense has devolved in this modern civilization called the USA, I was both amused and irritated with the four pages of extensive precautions included in the box in which my Tama drums were shipped.  Among the sincere warnings that would make even the most unintelligent individual respond, "DUH!" were the following:

Do not use the equipment for any purpose other than performance.
Yes, moron, the drums and cymbal stands contain metal parts that are "particularly heavy" and "can be dangerous if used for anything other than the intended purpose."  In other words, if you think a floor tom would make a good makeshift stepping stool and you break your neck when the legs collapse with you standing on it, we're not responsible for your stupidity.  Don't attempt to use your snare stand to hold up your TV set either, as a "bass drum coffee table" works much better.

Playing around the drum set can be dangerous.
By this we do not mean that while executing an extended roll around the toms you might hit a rim, dent a drumstick and appear unskilled as a musician.  We mean that if your rambunctious, ADD-inflicted kids are running around in a sugar-induced hysteria, they "run the risk of running into the stands, injuring their faces, heads, or other parts of their bodies."  You might want to cover your set with bubble wrap just in case, or perhaps keep the kit in a room inaccessible to your spastic little retards.

Stay away from the drum set if an earthquake occurs.
I'm pretty sure this warning is specifically directed at the morons in California, where such natural disasters have been known to occur.  During a five on the Richter scale is not the time to rehearse your drum solo, dumbass (unless you set up your kit in a reinforced doorway, of course).

Never use sticks for anything other than playing the drums.
Although your Promarks might make decent chopsticks and your wire brushes could be used for hamburger flippers, don't do it, dude.  These implements "are intended for playing the drums."  Personally I have found that drumsticks make excellent "attention-getters" for disobedient children, but Tama warns, "Never hit people with them or throw them at people.  This can be extremely dangerous."  Using your cymbals as frisbees is also a bad idea, and should be frowned upon.  Decapitation or dismemberment could occur.  (I hope Zildjian is safety-minded enough to mention this in their literature.)

Be careful of broken sticks.
"Sticks are made of wood."  Are you kidding?  Who knew?  "If they break while playing, fragments and splinters can go flying, possibly causing injury."  If this impending doom frightens you, might I suggest taking up the flute instead.  (Just don't take it up to throw it at someone, please.)

Be careful not to bother others.
This is pretty self-explanatory.  If you suck, we would prefer you practice on your own time when we're not around.  However, there is one shocking revelation included in this warning: "Playing the drum set produces a lot of loud sounds and vibration."  If this is news to you, it is a given that you are too stupid to operate a percussion instrument, much less a motor vehicle or heavy machinery.  Get back in your straight-jacket.

Be careful when folding up the tripods.
Oh, why bother?  Just jam those legs together with reckless abandon!  What are you, a sissy?!  You've got plenty of fingers!

Do not put fingers or other objects into pipes.
If you have this type of tendency, you're a pervert.  Stay away from my hardware, sicko.  This is the main reason Bill Clinton was disqualified as a drummer and had to take up the saxophone instead.  I said "Do you want to play sax, not sex, you horndog!"

Be careful of the projecting parts of stands.
This warning also applies to you Clinton types, who seem to have an obsession with "protruding parts."  However, I think the former president was more concerned with avoiding injury to his projecting part by "teeth" more than the face or head.  I'm just sayin'.

Never stand on the drum chair or use it as a stepping stool.
I believe we already covered this in the first warning, but we are dealing with completely incompetent morons after all, who might not realize that drum stools "swivel" and pose a potential threat to one's personal safety.  But just in case you are a "dumber in the concussion section," please remember that drum stools are "for sitting while playing."

Be careful of snappy wires suddenly giving way.
Although you might think that playing the drums is a relatively safe and innocent hobby, Tama reminds us here that those harmless little wires that run across the bottom head of your snare drum just might come loose and "prick your fingers or snap into your eye."  You may also incur an injury if you attempt to emulate Tommy Aldridge by playing the drums and cymbals with your bare hands, sit down on your drum stool without the cushion in place, or crawl inside your bass drum and have your friend launch you down a steep hill while filming a "jackass" segment for YouTube viewers.

With all these horrifying hazards threatening to harm you if you get anywhere near a drum set, why would you ever bring one of these precarious percussion instruments into your home?  What are you, STUPID?  These darn things could kill you or worse, maim you for life!  I suggest a more sensible hobby, such as writing.  Just be cautious of carpal tunnel syndrome caused by excessive typing, ya moron!